Three months ago I broke up with a guy I had been dating for
3 months. We were friends before we dated. My problem is that I have all of
these fears because I know that he was severely emotionally abused by his mother growing
up. He is 31, never been married, and has had only a couple of relationships in the
past. He still hates his mom for the abuse and it is evident in the way he avoids her. He
resents his dad for allowing it to happen.
After I met his family, I started to worry that his history of emotional abuse
would affect our family, should we get married (which we were talking about). I
started to take every little thing he did wrong as a sign of emotional abuse.
The main thing that bothers me is that he withdraws sometimes. Not often,
but when he does, there is nothing I can do or say that will draw him out, and he gets
annoyed if I press it. He tells me that he is being "reflective," and that
I should just be grateful that I wasn't abused and having to deal with the
aftermath. I tell him that it hurts me when I am shut out; his attitude is
basically, "Get over it, it's my problem, not yours." Plus, a
couple of times
he has put my opinions down, saying they were stupid. Once he called me a
nag and said he wasn't my shrink because I was upset about something he did.
The other day I told him that it seems like when he does any sort of action, he does it
for his own reasons, and if it seems to adversely affect somebody in the meantime, too
bad, because it wasn't his intention of hurting them. Like his withdrawing, for
example. He admitted that that was his reasoning, like it was no big deal.
I feel like this is lack of consideration for others.
Anyway, he wants to get back together and part of me wants to too, thinking that maybe it
was just a normal relationship with the average obstacles everyone has. I do love him, but
I know that love isn't everything. I broke up with him because I found out that when
he dated his ex-girlfriend and they went to the movies, twice he left her outside
all by herself because she didn't want to see the movie he had chosen, and he
watched it by himself leaving her stranded! I figured that maybe there was a cycle
of abuse, or am I being sensitive? I don't want to be writing you in 5 years
complaining about how my husband is abusive and there were signs all along, if in fact
they are signs. You may e-mail me if you have questions.
Abuse or not?
Dear Abuse or not?:
You've got good instincts, listen to them. It may be true
that he behaves this way because he was abused as a child, but he is an adult now, and he
is responsible for how he treats others. Many abusers were abused as children, but that
doesn't make it okay for them to become abusers. It is possible for him to get help with
these issues and learn how to behave in non-abusive ways. His attitudes will have to
change. That takes serious work.
His leaving his date outside while he watched a movie is a
very clear clue of what life with him would be like. No one should tolerate or accept this
type of abuse - it is a sign.
Don't get pulled into trying to help him change - this is
work for the experts. He should consult with a professional counselor, one very familiar
in abuse issues, and commit himself to the work of changing.
Best Wishes
