I am 36 years. old, and have been married for 3 1/2 years, to
my second husband. We have been separated for 1 1/2 of those years, because he got
very abusive. He has showered me with all kinds of love and saying he was so sorry
for all the pain he put me and the kids through. He has had a lot of anger
management classes (ordered through the courts), and has taken personal counseling and we
have even had marriage counseling.
So we decided to get back together. We have now been
together for two months. I feel like he hates me. He is now blaming me for the
times he was in jail, he tells me I have ruined his life forever because he now has
two boys that if we were to divorce he would be stuck with child support payments.
He has once again started beating me black and blue, and has made me feel like I am not
worth anything. He tells me how ugly I am, he tells me there are a lot of women
better then me, and he is keeping his eyes open for a good woman. He doesn't like
making love to me, he said it turns his stomach.
We have been together sexually maybe 5 times since we got
back together, and has resulted in a pregnancy. He now says he will not have a
bastard child so he will not leave until the baby is born. He knows I will not put
him in jail, because I need him to stay out so he can work and support the family.
Will he ever get better if I bring up going to counseling again?
Help me to know what my next step should be. I do not
want to be alone. It is so hard because my babies are only 1 and 2 years. old, and
now expecting #3. Can he learn to love?
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
It is clear that your husband has learned nothing helpful
from his many attempts at counseling and court-ordered treatment. Many abusers never 'get
it' and really change. Change is VERY difficult, and requires commitment and conviction.
Abusers are hard to convince that they need to change. They have convinced themselves that
everything is always someone else's fault.
For your sake and the sake of your children, get out of this
relationship. Go to a shelter, get an injunction for protection and seek a divorce. I know
your situation seems impossible with two small children and another on the way, but if you
stay, you and your children are in danger. Leaving will be difficult, but you can do it.
Staying could mean a life of abuse for you, and perhaps for your children. If
nothing else, your sweet innocent babies will learn to be abusive, or learn to accept
abuse. This atmosphere will have lifelong effects on your children.
Call your local shelter, (call 1-800-799-7233 for the number
of your local shelter) get information about injunctions for protection, divorce
information, etc. and get yourself and your kids to safety. The counselors at the
shelter can tell you how to prepare to leave. Please don't delay.
God Bless
